Week Three

I’m calling this Week Three. I’m aware it’s been 4 months since my last post. Here’s the deal. If you can forgive that I haven’t posted in that duration, I’ll forgive the fact that only 2 people read this.

There are two reasons I have neglected to post (not write because I have been recording these stories still without posting). First is, well, I got busy. I had two jobs. Now I have one better job. But time slips away and I didn’t have time to type and I didn’t have time for what is the second reason; I didn’t meet any weirdos for a while. I learned that after my brief introduction to the Complex’s madness, I needed to go out of my way to have encounters. Now that I’ve settled with one job, I can pick up where I left off.

A note on that: I’m going to continue posting under the Week  heading but full disclosure: it might not be every week. Let’s think of each “Week” as an Installment and I’m only calling it a week because I’m a completest and I can’t go back and change it now. I mean…I can. But I don’t want to. It’s similar to how letting your teeth slowly fall out of your head and continuing to lie to the dentist about how often you floss is easier than actually flossing every day.

Bridgette, Rick and Bryan

If you’re going to meet strange people…and if strange people are going to talk to you…and if you’re going to record these conversations for your blog, you have to be willing to sit half-naked in lukewarm bleach-y water with strangers. You may detect a common thread that follows our saga…that thread is actually a clump of hair that has been stuck in the Complex’s Jacuzzi filter for the last few months. In short, every interesting person I’ve met, I’ve met at the Jacuzzi. Maybe this should be called “Who peed in the Jacuzzi” but I don’t think urine is my biggest concern about the Jacuzzi. I don’t know where that falls on my Richter scale of sadness…

One night, I went down to the jacuzzi. There was a couple in their mid-thirties (my estimate but obvious decades of cigarette smoking in what one of them later told me was called “not giving a f*** what the government thinks” could mislead my age guesstimate) and a young gentleman chatting there. We’re going to call them Bridgette and Rick (they’re newly married but were long betrothed) and their friend, we’ll call him Bryan.

Bridgette is tall with dark hair and doesn’t have any features. I don’t mean she doesn’t have any features in the way a person who has survived an explosion doesn’t have any features. That is, I mean she kind of looks like one of those wooden figurines artists use to get the human form correct. Her eyes, nose and mouth sit pretty flush with the plane of her face and she doesn’t have a chin that I can tell. Or, at least not a chin in the way that you and I know chins. It’s a secret chin.

The two men in the Jacuzzi were, visually, like the before and after segment of a “Biggest Loser” finale where the digitally rendered “before” stands next to his newly nipped and tucked self. Rick is large and loud…and brazenly flatulent. Bryan is fit and similarly proud. Maybe he was on the “Biggest Loser” and he’s fought very hard for his results because he definitely paraded them confidently above the others there. He kept one leg propped on the Jacuzzi’s bench while standing in the middle, trying to cascade a shadow on to whomever he’s speaking. He’s handsome and soft-spoken but he keeps his brow furrowed which leads me to think he’s always confused.

The conversation was mild and innocent for the most part. Though I can guarantee these characters reappear in far wilder circumstances. A few of my observations (and please keep in mind I’ve never met these individuals while they were sober):

Bridgette is the type to say “Mind you…” before each sentence. She has something to prove, even when you’re in agreement. She’s similarly the type to drop consonants out of multi-syllabic words. For example, “Literally” (another word she employs often) becomes lirully…and, sure, you get what she means but you know it isn’t right.

Rick gets in and out of the jacuzzi often, just to stretch his legs. Each time he gets out, though, he says “Don’t hit on my wife. She’s not a whore.” Bridgette looks at you and rolls her eyes. “He always says that” she’ll say.

Bridgette and Rick have known Bryan for a while (he’s lived at this complex for 8 years and is, so far, the most seasoned tenant I’ve met there despite a young age of 23). Bridgette introduced Bryan as “an inspiring model”.

Bryan corrected her, shrugging off the model comment with an eye roll in what I assume was his best attempt at modesty. It was the same eye roll that I’d imagine a sensitive frat bro to give a girl who says “I guess I’m just not pretty in this outfit” or “I hate my arms” and then the sensitive bro rolls his eyes and says “You’re crazy for thinking that. Your arms are my 4th favorite of your body parts” as he touches them. But he says it as an almost whisper or through his lips real quiet. He’s trying to be enigmatic and Bridgette just stomped on all his mysterious pull. Whether he meant to communicate that same “sensitive reassurance” to me or not is irrelevant. He rolled his eyes and leaned in as if in confidence and corrected her. “I actually do property management. Just sold a property today.” And that’s that. It’s boring.

Bryan flexes when you turn to speak to him or are facing his direction. You can tell because his reflexes are about a half second slower than a person’s ability to turn and face him. So, each time you turn to face him, you see a quick moment of conscious tightening of flesh and then he settles in. It’s clear he can get comfortable in this position because he is a model. And he is inspiring. After meeting him you’re either inspired to get to the gym or inspired to binge eat some flavor-blasted goldfish in sickening defeat. Either way, one conversation with this inspiring model and you’re a changed person. Because he’s inspiring.

Coming soon: My night with three drunken Brazilian women, my unassuming blind date, my encounter with Adele (and these, surprisingly, are not all the same story) and even MORE with our new friends Bridgette, Rick and Bryan. Stay tuned.